We all have reoccurring thoughts in our daily life. One of my many themes is the thought that something is always getting in the way of what I am supposed to be doing. If I could only eliminate that barrier, then everything would fall into place. What is hindering my task?
What I am supposed to be doing is never crystal clear; I just know it’s not what is happening around me. My daily life can show up as an obstacle course that I need to get through before I can return to my “real work.” The way I operate regularly assumes that my real work has nothing to do with my family or the rest of the world. Refereeing my children’s arguments, listening to my husband talk about work, and engaging in any social rituals that I find unfulfilling, all show up as tasks that distract me from what I am meant to be doing during my lifetime.
I operate with a fixed belief about what needs to take place for me to produce something that could be labeled as a “contribution” in the world. The bar is high, to Mars high. Being driven and focused when my husband is at work, and my kids are at school is one thing, but it’s never enough. I look for opportunities throughout the evening and weekend schedule to escape them and return to the intensity of my time alone. It’s a subconscious and nagging pattern. A part of me believes that when I am engaging in the work that I deem important, destiny will arrive and reward me.
It’s all bullshit. I had that breakthrough this past weekend after listening to the incredible podcast below:
Listen to Jack Kornfield – Finding Freedom, Love, and Joy in the Present from The Tim Ferriss Show in Podcasts.
It’s a long one, and I listened to it over a two-day period. Jack Kornfield is an awakened soul.
There is an AA saying regarding how a newcomer should choose his or her sponsor that I loved right out of the gate, “find someone who has what you want.” Obviously, this doesn’t mean a great coat. A sponsor is a mentor who guides you through the 12 Steps of AA which is where the transformative power of the program lies. Old-timers suggest that you carefully listen as people share at the meetings and then approach someone afterward who embodies qualities you would like to cultivate in yourself. Fourteen years after first hearing this phrase, the concept still guides how I choose people who participate in my life. It’s never the words that grab me, always the energy underneath.
Jack exudes patience, humor, and humble purity throughout the interview. He talks about Spirit Rock, a Buddhist meditation center in Woodacre CA that he co-founded in 1998. They hold silent meditation retreats there regularly. I immediately grabbed my calendar, ready to figure out when I could slip away for ten days. My only hesitation was not being able to speak to my children after I took my vow of silence. My children are 7 and 10, and we talk every evening when I travel solo. In my heart, my family is my number one priority, even when they are showing up as burdens. The wheels were turning in my head as I mapped out different scenarios to make a retreat at Spirit Rock a reality without breaking the connection with my children. Half listening due to my new inner struggle, Jack shared a prayer taught that he learned from his Buddhist monk teacher, Ajahn Chah, during his time in Thailand:
“What makes (family life) work is that you have that intention…. Not just to soldier through it…. (but to say) “Let this be a place where I awaken graciousness, an inner sense of freedom and peace as things come and go…. Where I awaken the possibility of presence… in pleasure and pain and joy and sorrow and gain and loss… and that in all the changes, I find an inviolable or a timeless place of becoming the loving witness of it all…. Becoming the loving awareness that says “yeah, now I’m having a family experience, this is the place to find freedom.” Because freedom is not in the Himalayas or the Amazon; the only place it’s found is in your own heart exactly where you are.”
I had tears in my eyes by the end. Freedom is where I am. Right here, right now. There is nothing needed. Everything meant for me, will continue to show up if I live with intention, committed to opening my heart daily. The next leg of my journey may not show up as exciting as spending ten days at Spirit Rock, but I know that by choosing what is in front of me, I will find fulfillment. The time for a Spirit Rock retreat will come.
I taped the quote that Tim mentioned in the podcast next to my computer
“That which hinders your task is your task.” Sanford Meisner
Whatever registers as a nuisance or distraction today is the exact thing that I need to embrace.